[I haven't written a private entry since March and a public entry since almost a year ago.]

Well, I'm at an interesting point in life where a) I have friends who are engaged, married or in a long-term relationship and they have a baby or more OR b) I have friends in their mid- to late- twenties and we're thinking...where's our life partner and when will we find them?

I am obviously in category b, which can be annoying. I miss the comfort of being in a long-term relationship but I have been having a lot of fun meeting so many new people, so many friends...but then...I mainly hate the games...the whole: What's your deal? Do you like me? Do you see me as girlfriend potential? Or am I just your potential fuck buddy?

One bad (short) relationship/dating partner after another, I vow myself to take a small break but then someone interesting comes along and I think...I'll give this one a shot...or even, I'll give this bad apple another try...ooh, he's got a little edge to him.

I am starting to get really comfortable in this city. I will be pretty bummed when I move to the East Coast next school year. My best friend once commented that I am always wanting to leave. It probably seems that way because she's been in the same area since after we graduated high school. I am a big supporter of moving out of state for a few years and coming back. I just miss school too much, I think, or maybe it's something else I'm unconsciously doing. Who knows.

Okay, so back to the whole relationship thing above, most of us women in our mid- to late-twenties that I talk to are getting frustrated. So many bad apples to sort through...are we being too picky? or is there a shortage out there? or maybe we're in the wrong city at the wrong time? What's the deal?! We're tired already.

I end with a song by Kate Nash called Nicest Thing.

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favourite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
I wish that we could see if we could be something

I don't realize that I have undergone many changes until my friend Morgan pointed it out last night. He commented by saying that almost every time he sees me, that I always have a whirlwind of changes to update him about.

I guess I'm so used to changes since about middle school (i.e., my parent's divorce and their custody arrangement), that I am easily adapted to them. Not sure.

Changes:
-New job. Starting my third week. Probably busiest day that I've had since I started. Lots of requests for health supplies. I need to e-mail a few family advocates requesting information and screening supplies. Preparing for the vision screening tomorrow morning at one of our centers.
-New home. Temporarily living with the bf until I can move in with Julia (mid/late-September). Moving and such.
-"New" relationship. Kind of new. A little over 3 months now. Apparently, I dated around more than my family expected before the bf. I don't think it was bad at all. Whatevs. It became obvious when my aunt called me recently and asked about a guy that I dated about 5 months ago. I responded something like "Oh. Is that where we left off with relationship updates?"

Another interesting role that I've stumbled upon: Relationship Advice Person. I find it intriguing. I noticed that once I tell people (friends, even strangers) that I was in a 6.5-year-relationship and that there were about 2 years of long-distance involved in that time span, people start opening up with their questions about relationship- how to maintain relationships, how to break up, how to start dating, how to put the first moves, etc.

I don't know why but I've really been thinking about tattoos lately.

I have a few in mind:
1. ivy leaves. My mom's name is Ivy and we are very close. Probably on my foot or ankle area.
2. rosemary with its flowers. My aunt/godmother's name is Rosemary and she is like my second mom. Her and her family have played a significant role in my success. Probably on my other foot or ankle area.
3. Hummingbird. Symbolizing optimism and teaching us that we can look back at our past, but not dwell there, and continue to go forward. Along with the word "resilience" wrapped around the front of the hummingbird.

I guess I've been thinking about it more because I will be starting a new job (more money) and I will be receiving money for the vacation hours I did not take (100-something hours).

I found an awesome modern dance instructor. Amazing. Does enough warm-up, enough across-the-floor work and teaches at just the right speed for the combination.

Downfall: He's the substitute instructor.

Plus: He'll be at the studio for the next few weeks.

What I found interesting: The music that he chose for warm-ups. Two songs were Destiny's Child. Imagine doing ballet work to Destiny's Child/Beyonce. Cracked me up. Also did warm-ups to...I think Metallica or another band within that music genre.

OMG. LOVE IT!

Has to be one of the highlights of the week.

Just had deja vu. Such an odd feeling. I had posted my toxic lyrics entry and I heard my boss and Ellen down the hallway.

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I had an interview yesterday. The first one that actually looks like it will go through. It's for San Francisco Head Start/Early Head Start. I just faxed my references this morning and I am supposed to know by the end of this week. The weird thing was that the person who currently has the job is going to go to the same masters program that I attended.

The slight downside is that if/*when* I get the job, I would need to get my drivers license pronto. I would probably charge everything on my credit card, even though I've been trying to pay that shit off for so damn long. It's not my fault. After paying off my loans, there's not much money leftover to play with.

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I took my first dance lesson last Thursday at a new dance studio. It's in downtown San Francisco. The first class I took was a Beginning/Intermediate Horton class. I'm not quite sure if I liked it that much. It was definitely challenging and I don't think I have as much technique down to enjoy it as much.

Yesterday I became a member of the center and paid in advance for 4 classes (paying for my classes would be a great birthday gift by the way...in case you are out of ideas). It was a Beginning Modern class. I liked it more than the Horton class. I expect beginning classes to be super beginning. This class required at least 1-2 years of ballet, which I have, but it makes me feel like I really should be taking the beginning ballet classes concurrently.

Maybe it's the instructors' style of dance. Not sure how to pinpoint it. In college, my modern dance instructor was Martha Graham and Jose Limon based. So was my modern dance instructor in graduate school. I guess I will just have to shop around a little bit and get a feel on the styles that are used.

Is it dorky of me to get excited that there was at least 1 asian girl in both of my classes?

I've been at my new place for almost 2 weeks. Still not completely comfortable. I have yet to turn on the stove. I'm almost moved in. I still want to add a few things to my wall (i.e., hang up a picture frame, buy a big mirror to make my room appear bigger and maybe another mirror by my closet or the back of the door) and clean up the top of my dresser, which happens to be my dump station. I feel like a lot has gone on in those two weeks but I will discuss in a more private entry.

It's a new place, a new space to call home.

Meet my housemates:
from youngest to oldest-all male
RYAN: 25-year-old who works in Sausalito as a medical receptionist.
KAZ: 27-year-old sushi chef from Japan. I kind of consider his girlfriend our roommate, too. She's there quite often. :)
SHAUN: 30-year-old registered nurse who works for a elderly care agency as a (insert fancy position)

Ryan and Shaun are brothers.

Next weekend, Ryan, his girlfriend, Shaun and I are going to go to Disneyland. So exciting! :) We're driving and leaving on Friday and coming back on Sunday. I haven't been since senior year in high school.

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My dad's birthday is on Thursday and the whole family will be going to see him on Father's Day to celebrate his birthday. It's a potluck. He will be so happy. He'll probably start crying, as well as talking about who is going to take him home.

Next Tuesday morning I will be attending a workshop to finalize my dad's divorce to his wife, who we have not seen/heard from since my dad had a stroke in late August.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

In other news, work is going fine. I have been applying to multiple jobs since March and have only had a few hits. I turned down one because the job seemed uber boring and the other I am still waiting to hear back from for an interview. Those are all of the hits. So frustrating.

My boss comes back on Thursday. A little scary since I have been slacking off, at least that's how I feel. I have updated the databases as much as I can. Also, this updating business takes longer than what you would expect. Soon, we will have no study patients and I will need to start writing up a summary. My boss wants me to start getting published. Eek!

I called this woman who quite vaguely described the room for rent and the people living in the place.

She is in her early 30s and the other housemate is in her late 20s. I say I am in my mid 20s...or rather 24 going on 25.

I ask my questions about the people living there, why the roommate moved out, etc etc.

I say to her that I would like to take a look at the place...if it's okay with her. She tells me her only hang-up is my age.

Where is this perception that someone who is 24
a.) is immature/irresponsible?
b.) is a party person?
c.) is unable to clean after herself?

I emphasized the fact that I graduated a year ago with my masters, that I have a full-time job, etc. How much more should I add to validate that I am not what she pictures a 24-year-old to be?

She had to cut the conversation short because she had an incoming long-distance call and wanted me to call her back on Tuesday.

With all of her assumptions about a 24-year-old, I am definitely not calling back.

I can't believe it's been 7 weeks since I have updated. I think my attention has been heavily drawn towards yelp, its reviews and talk threads.

And no I am not going to attempt to completely update you on what's been going on the past 7 weeks. That would be exhausting. Plus, I'm working here. ;)

The main topic these past couple of weeks has been my health. Since my last entry, I have started taking claritin twice a day, using a nasal spray twice a day and using an inhaler prior to exercising. What a pain! My allergies and asthma have only started since I moved to the city. I was just going to ignore them but I couldn't stand it. They were interfering with trying to get my work done and trying to be healthy (i.e., exercising).

The other health event was getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. And that was QUITE the event. The first 2 days were absolutely horrible but luckily, after that, life started to become normal...like eating 3 good meals a day not consisting of ice cream, gelato, mash potatoes or soup.

Other news: I'm training to become a health educator at the Clinic. It's awesome. It's been a good THREE years since I've had a one-on-one patient interaction. Not as extensive of a session like HIV test counseling but I'm getting there. After 6 months, hopefully I get to train to become a state certified HIV test counselor.

I have an interview tomorrow to become a member of the Board of Directors. A little...no...A LOT scary. I will be interviewing with with 1-3 current board members.

I have a driving lesson next Thursday. My permit expires in July and I would like to earn my license before it expires. Or else...that would be the second time that I have let my permit expire, which would be very sad news to me. I hate taking that written test. It's really annoying because the guy that will teach me said that by listening to what I had to say about my driving history, he thinks I will need between 4-6 lessons and frankly, I definitely do not have the money for that. I would say 3 max and then...I *hope* to be able to practice in between classes. Not to mention...that I will be 25 soon and will be more easily be able to rent cars.

I am also looking for a new job. I've been here for 9 months and I feel like if I am here any longer, it might ruin my chances of obtaining other jobs...because this job is such a no-brainer. I've applied to 5 jobs so far and they seem a lot more exciting than what I am doing right now. We'll see.

My co-worker (who I have decided isn't such a bad person after all) showed me a picture of a person she is dating. She asks me "does this look like a boy or a girl?" Taking into account body language, attire, haircut, etc, in the picture it would appear to be a guy BUT since I feel I am well versed in queer culture...I say..."It looks like a girl."

She starts to talk about how she didn't like the date and yaddah yaddah.

Then I say "You know it's funny because I told Rachel this a few weeks ago. My freshmen year in high school I came out as bisexual."

You should have seen the weight come off her shoulders.

She says "Okay. Good. I can stop lying to you now."

She then starts spilling the beans and talks about how she's been out since she was 21 years old (more than 10 years ago).

I've been doing a lot of coming out lately and everyone has been accepting and maybe even...more able to open up about their relationships with people. Although I have not been "practicing" for quite some time, I go back and forth.

You can call my orientation very fluid. I recently told another co-worker that for right now I am like 70/30 (70% into men and 30% into women)...not sure how that fits into the Kinsey scale but there you have it.

The drug hasn't worked for 4 of our patients. To put it simply, it royally sucks. All my work down the drain. On the upside, we have yet to enroll one more patient. Let's see if this sucker works for this guy.

I am on my way to enrolling two patients for another clinical research trial. Doctors are so slow at getting back to you. However, if the conversation is between doctor to doctor, then the response rate is probably 24-48 hours.

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Yesterday I attended an ex-cheerleader's baby shower. I have known this chick since elementary school so it was crazy to have a mini elementary/high school reunion. Who was there? Sugar, Heather, Shani, Amon, Janelle, Amanda, Tracy and myself. 3 out of 8 have babies. The rest of us are in the "baby in 5-10 years" club.

It makes me think that I don't see enough of my friends. I need a more active social scene on the weekends. Thing is...people are so flaky. I tell them...I have every weekend free for the rest of February and most of March and what do I hear? Crickets. :\ It's okay. I'll just workout, take a shower, eat dinner and veg out for those days (those are Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays).

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V-day is on Thursday. Not sure where we are going to find a place to eat dinner. I feel like these things are never thought out right. Oh well. The plans so far is to go to the Exploratorium. From 6-9pm, my job is letting 2 adults and 2 children in for free when you show your employee ID. That should be fun. I haven't been there in years.

Nothing new. Nothing too exciting.

By the beginning of next week, we will see whether one of the drugs has worked for 2 patients. So far it hasn't for 2 other patients. After this, we wait to see whether it works for the new enrollee. We will know mid-May. That seems so far away. My boss wants to see if it works for 5 initial patients. I'm pretty...pessimistic.

For another study, I am so close to closing it off. So glad. Let's move on, please!

In other non-work-related news, I have been addicted to yelp.com. I've been promoted to the Elite club, which makes me a feel a little special. I have 6 fans, close to 50 reviews, 1 list and close to 20 friends.

I'm applying to become a Health Educator at the WCC. A little nervous since I don't know how many open spots there are. I think I am well qualified. For one, look at my experience and education. I am also never late and have only missed 1 volunteer shift and found a replacement for it. I don't want to get my hopes too high, though.

More work-related news: I seriously only plan on staying another 6-7 months at my job. The pay is horrible. I am still in the grace period for my Perkins loans and soon will be paying over $700 monthly. I don't spend money lavishly. It's crazy to think that it's hard for me to save even $100 a month. I make myself do it, though...in case of any emergencies.

More work: My new co-worker is Ghet-to, which a capital G. She seemed so sweet and decent for the interview. My main problem with her is that she just has a nasty attitude. I know her job isn't the greatest but her mood tends to rub off a little bit. She mentions every once and a while that she would like to quit this job. I hope that happens soon.

Maybe she is just not used to the workload. Perhaps she is used to only working for one person. Currently she works for 3 surgeons, 2 of those being the most time-consuming doctors I have ever seen...one of them being my boss too. She wonders why she is unable to finish her project...it's because she spends all day looking through her myspace and talking ebonics to her friends.

I never really have enough time to make myself oatmeal for breakfast. It really doesn't take THAT long. You know, boil water and throw in organic whole oats with some raisins and leave for 5 minutes. Then I sprinkle some cinnamon and a little bit of soy milk. It was so good this morning.

It put me in a great mood, despite the fact that I think I slept at 1am and needed to wake up at 6/7am. I was caught up watching Millionaire Matchmaker from 12-1am. I know...my addiction to reality tv is disgusting.

Last night I saw Ingrid Michaelson live! It was so awesome. Adam told me that he couldn't find anyone to cover for him...even though I did tell him about the show about one month ago. Oh well. However, I did find someone to see the show. Jul-i-a! It worked out perfectly because she had not bought the ticket and is no longer part of a show. It was a little scary having to walk down market from market and 9th to market and 11th. Lots of homeless people. Crazy homeless people.

I enjoyed her voice, music playing and hilarious breathers in between songs. My favorite parts of the night were 1. when she started the Full House song and the crowd joined in, 2. when she sang a request for a normal song...she started the Violent Femmes' Blister in the Sun and the crowd jumped in, and 3. her encore song of UB40's Fools Rush in. She sounds even better live and is a great performer...knows how to bring the crowd in.

My favorite songs that she sung:
-A Bird's Song (I'm pretty sure she sung this one)
-Keep Breathing
-The Way I Am
-Corner of Your Heart
-Breakable
-Die Alone
-Far Away

Along with other songs that are probably on her albums but I haven't checked out yet. She also sung 2-3 newer songs (not found on her albums).

The next time she is coming back is for the Hotel Cafe Tour in April but I don't like the other artists. I would rather wait to see a show that she is headlining. Apparently we are part of her music history because it's the first biggest show she has played where she is headlining. :)

Check her tour schedule and see if she's coming to your nearest music venue.

It's been interesting spending some quality alone time (Adam is gone until this Thursday and has been gone for a week). One of my New Year's Resolution is to read more. I bought two books at my favorite independent bookstore (a few blocks from my gym)- Eat Pray Love and The Memory Keeper's Daughter. I've been eyeing these two books since they appeared in the New York Times Bestseller lists. After struggling to get through Middlesex (which by the way I have not finished and probably will never), I decided to move on. I'm glad I did. I am enjoying Ms. Gilbert's book. I'm only on page fifty-something and I am enjoying this central concept of growing (note my new subtitle).

I feel that since entering the "real world" I've been doing a lot of that. Especially since starting my job six months ago. I'm still trying to figure out myself- what do I want to do for the rest of my life? And what do I want in life in general? I know this is supposed to change quite a bit until I am in my mid to late 30's. I just need to find patience. I thought that I would have a lot figured out after graduate school. What an illusion. Who would have thought in April when I graduated that I would be working with thyroid cancer patients?

Two events that I am getting excited about for this month: 1. Adam's cousin's Bar Mitzvah and 2. Ingrid Michaelson concert in San Francisco.

An event that I am not so excited about for today: Laundry. They're mostly my clothes. It just sucks because I've basically have had my own laundromat for the past 3 years and now I need to walk there to get my clothes washed.

(Taken from a myspace bulletin)

HEALTH
-Lose 10 lbs
-3 days of cardio classes & 2 strengthening classes per week
-Cut back on sweets

INTERPERSONAL
-Visit my dad once a week
-Hang out with niece once a week
-More hanging out with friends

WORK / COMMUNITY
-Spend half hour max on internet at work
-Finish internship

PERSONAL
-Find an affordable and cool home
-Only once a week of eating out for lunch
-More cooking at home for dinner (max 2 days per week)
-Spend 1 hour max per day on computer at home
-Watch 2 hours max per day of television
-Read at least 1 hour per day

Starting tomorrow: January 2, 2008

Starting November I started to pay off my student loans. My perkins loans are still in their grace period, which means that I will be paying even more in loans per month. This royally sucks. I am absolutely thankful that the gift-giving season is over. I didn't even spend that much money but of the money I spent, I feel like it made a significant dent in my wallet. There's just no way to get around that fact that I don't get paid enough.

And it sickens me to know that my housemate's girlfriend was able to pay off her school loans in 2 years. Who does that? I anticipate that it will take 20-25 years to pay off my loans. Seriously. I guess I also shouldn't compare my loan-paying skills to a lawyer.

I am currently watching the last hour of "Jesus Camp" and it makes me feel better that some people have it worse off than me. Hah. Really scary shit. Raising a bunch of Jesus nazis. I have respect for religious folks but this stuff is pretty extreme.

Speaking of my internet addiction. Interesting...

It breaks my heart to see these postings I get from the Dance Magazine e-mail list.

Hubbard Street Dance Chicago Is Looking For Dancers! The super-hot internationally renowed dance company seeks dancers with strong ballet as well as contemporary/modern techniques for 2008 contracts. Audition is November 25, 2007; 11 a.m. (registration begins at 10 a.m.); Hubbard Street Dance Center - 1147 West Jackson, Chicago.

Modern Dancers, Heads Up: The Ellen Sinopoli Dance Company (ESDC), resident company of The Egg in Albany, NY, will hold an audition to select additional company members for its 2007-08 season. Scheduled for Saturday, December 1, the audition will take place at The Egg from 1pm to 4pm. The audition will consist of a modern dance class and company repertory. Email Ellen (ellen@sinopolidances.org) for details.

What have I done to myself? I have added yet another thing to do online: Yelp. It's really sick.

My internet addictions include:
1. Checking my e-mails, which include yahoo, gmail, hotmail and work.
2. Myspace
3. Facebook
4. Friendster (rarely)
5. Livejournal
6. Xanga (rarely)
7. sfgate.com, nytimes.com
8. looking for jobs

*shakes head*

This addiction might be something I should consider nixing for New Year's. It wastes a lot of time in my work day when I am avoiding certain tasks. Then again, I think it's also a way I like to zone out...what people usually do with tv.

My plug-in drug